TRIGGER WARNING. If you cannot read about miscarriages please don’t read this post. It talks about my personal experience and gives advice on coping with a miscarriage. If you are someone who cannot handle this subject, you might not want to read this.
In October of 2016, I went through a miscarriage. It was a long painful process physically, mentally, and emotionally. I remember screaming WHY as soon as I got home from the doctor’s appointment. Both my husband and I just wept. 12 weeks and no heartbeat detected. Even so, I still clung to some hope, however, 2 weeks later my body began to reject my baby.
I became so depressed I did not really eat, I cried for hours and hours. I thought I was unable to have children and to finally have that small hope planted.. it was ripped away.
I questioned myself if there was something wrong with me if I was the cause, did I stress too much, did I do something wrong in the past, and if this was my karma? I questioned so much.
4 months later I became pregnant with my son, Killian. I was so happy, scared, excited, and a little angry all at the same time. I was angry because I didn’t know why my first baby was rejected, happy that I was able to carry again, worried it was going to be just like the last time, and scared I wasn’t ready to be a mom because of all these mixed emotions causing stress.
These fearful thoughts stayed with me throughout the pregnancy. 8 months in and I developed severe pre-eclampsia, gaining over 30 pounds within 2 weeks. Even though I couldn’t eat or keep anything down.
We went to the ER, good thing we did. I had to have an emergency c-section. My son’s heartbeat was declining by the second and I began to start having convulsions.
The doctors rushed me into surgery after failing to speed up the dilation. They immediately began the c-section. Luckily they were able to get Killian in time. He was 5 pounds 7 ounces, tiny, and the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on. All the rushing thoughts of me not being a good mama faded as they laid him on my chest and he instantly stopped crying.
I had to stay for a full week so the doctors could keep an eye on Killian, as well as myself. My blood pressure kept spiking and they had to constantly go in the room to help position me in a way to get it back down. It was a painful experience.
We brought him home and he was 4.15 pounds from losing a little at the hospital. Now he is almost 5 and is into everything. Learning every day and who is my heart.
Though, I will admit I sometimes go overboard with being a “mama bear” and protecting him. Something I will have to learn to lessen up with so he does not grow up fearful and codependent. There is always a loving and guiding balance without holding the reigns too tight.
To all the parents who have had a miscarriage, I am so sorry you had to experience this. You are okay to express how you feel, even if you are angry. Both moms and dads, who were so hopeful, are now devastated. The emptiness and questions will be there but it will get easier within time.
A Short Poem
The poem below is more so dedicated to my maw-maw who passed this February, though the message of losing someone dear is still clear. Going through a miscarriage and not meeting your baby is heartbreaking. You will always wonder what they would be like, who they would look like, what path they would take etc… It’s an emotional roller coaster.
What we inherit after a loved one passes
Is not money that never lasts
We inherit a hole within our hearts
A longing for the one who departs
The brokenness feels unfixable
As the heart quivers and trembles
What we inherit after a loved one passes
Are tears that fall like a thousand shattered glasses
I wanted to share some ways that helped me cope when I went through my miscarriage, to hopefully help someone who is experiencing the heartbreak this unfortunate event causes.
Ways that helped me:
- Joined a group of people who experienced a miscarriage. You’re able to talk about your feelings and get guidance through this rough time from people who have gone or who are going through a miscarriage. It is a great support system.
- Finding an activity to do to help distract your mind. For me, it was drawing and singing karaoke on Smule. I sang until my voice was hoarse. I didn’t want to think of the miscarriage so I turned to music as a form of therapy and release.
- I did not do this, but I wish I did. Talk to your partner if you have one. They are feeling this heartbreak too.
- Write out all your feelings. All of them even the ones you try to push down. Just write them out. Get it out. Say everything you want on that paper.
- Make an I love and miss you, board. With the dates you found out and the date of the passing.
- Try not to let others make you feel as if your emotions do not matter. You could have known for 1 week and your baby could have been 4 weeks along. Just because the science book says one thing does not mean you do not see your baby as your baby. You are okay to feel how you are feeling. Science terms aside. A baby is a baby and your emotions are real.
- This one was hard for me, as I used to lash at others when I was going through emotional hardship. It was a defense mechanism I had to work on. However, try not to lash at others. I understand this is a difficult time, just try not to lash at those around you.
- Take the help when someone offers. I fought it at first but I started to let others in and help me through the pain.
- Take care of yourself. Make sure you’re eating, even if it’s just a little, and make sure you are not locking yourself away from everyone for an extended period of time. Take time to rest your mind and body.
- Talk to a professional if you start developing thoughts of self-hatred, harming, violence, etc…
- Don’t numb your pain with alcohol and drugs. This can make everything 10x worse when you start trying to live your life again.
- Read books about miscarriages and how to get through them. These helped me understand it was not my fault and my body was not a machine that destroys everything. It is an unfortunate event that happens to many people. It is a sad part of life that we must learn how to navigate through.
These may or may not work for you. I hope with all my heart that one of these helps you cope with what you are going through.
*Hugs* You’re going to get through this, it’s going to be emotional, it’s going to be hard, and it’s going to take time. Just keep going and try your best.