Self-confidence…. Oh boy, do I have trouble with this. Even now as I write this post, I’m second-guessing everything I’m writing. However, my own self-confidence has improved greatly over the past four years. A lot of that has to do with starting this blog as a way to help others and voice my own opinions and outlooks. Though, it’s still a bit of a battle.
When I was growing up I didn’t think too much about self-confidence, I was too busy outside or doing art to worry about my self-confidence. I didn’t really care what people thought of me… until I reached the 7th grade and was bullied for my clothes, hair, boobs being too big, and anything else you can think of. It’s like I had a target on my back that said; hey, make fun of this chick, she won’t mind.
Man, middle school kids can be brutal to those who are perceived as different. I didn’t grow up with the kids at my school due to moving around all the time, though I did have a few friends that helped get me through the rougher times.
8th grade was worse, I ended up failing English because I refused to give presentations. I did not want the kids to have more reasons to taunt me, especially after tripping over someone when giving my first presentation.
I did not go to high school, but that was due to my grandmother finding out about me cutting my wrists to cope with being taken away from my mom for her refusing to give up drugs. I was sent to a behavioral health facility and the state was granted custody of me. I stayed in facilities until I aged out of the custody of the state at 19. Let’s just say my self-confidence was less than 0 when I was released back into the real world.
Honestly, when I first got out of facilities I felt like a rejected emotional outcast who was too much of a problem for anyone. I stayed isolated from everyone for years and refused to make friends. Though I did have several failed relationships some due to my own fault and others due to the guys.
My young adult years were an emotional mess, I did not know how to do much of anything, my brain overthought every situation, and stress and I do not get along. At the age of 22, I went under psychosis and ended up in the hospital I was at as a teen, for 3 months due to the amount of stress I was putting myself under. Any self-confidence I had gained in the 3 years I had been out of facilities evaporated.
At the age of 24, I moved in with my best friend, got married to him, enrolled in college and life started to look up. However, I had not begun working on any of the trauma and my husband got the brunt end of my mistrust and low self-esteem.
Luckily, he was and still is patient helping me through many of my bad days. I’m sure he is tired of reassuring me and getting me out of my overthinking brain, but I am more than grateful for having him in my life. He’s been there since we were kids. Having someone who is understanding, compassionate, reassuring, and guiding is the biggest blessing in my life, aside from our child.
At the age of 25, I had my son and a realization kicked in. I realized that the little baby I was holding was going to look up to me for guidance and he would do as he saw me do. I did not want him to grow up and isolate himself from the world, or be afraid to stand out, or do any of the self-destructive behaviors I had been doing. I made a promise to myself to change for my son, our family, and for myself. I did not want to keep going in circles and I really did not want my little one copying those cycles.
I wrote down everything I did not like about myself and wanted to improve on. Things like being overly reactive to emotional triggers, reacting to things like a child, my mistrust, my low self-esteem, anger outbursts, etc… Then I made up my mind that I was going to get through all of it. I didn’t care how or how long; I would find a way through it.
However, life happened, and my husband and I split for 6 months. During that time, I lost someone who was like a mom to me. She overdosed on heroin and passed away. It wasn’t until that happened that I actually started truly working on myself, and this website. The areas I wrote down prior to my husband and I taking a break became my main focus when developing this website.
The ups and downs, the working through emotional reactions, the embarrassing stories, they shape this blog and somehow this has also helped boost my confidence.Tweet
However, I did have some help in getting started by doing a workbook called The Self-Confidence Workbook. I started by applying some of the principles I learned from the workbook into my life. It’s what helped me gain the confidence to start this website. That and researching about self-confidence, which turns out just doing what you want to do without overthinking it. (Still having trouble with the overthinking part, but that’s just me haha).
I don’t like recommending things I personally have not tried and applied to my life, but I have tried this self-confidence book and it has helped me in various ways. Of course, I still have days where doubt is louder than my confidence, but those days are easier to get through.
When you want to overcome any problem the first step is acknowledging the problem and then figuring out solutions to the problem. This workbook was like a steppingstone for me to help me understand self-confidence and find apply it to my life.
If you are looking to boost your self-confidence, learn about confidence, or are a therapist I do recommend this workbook. It has been very helpful in my own self-confidence journey.
I am not affiliated or sponsored by the people who wrote this workbook, I am simply recommending a workbook that helped me in hopes of helping others with similar struggles.