Motivational Coping & Healing

The article Notes on Divorce followed two case studies of seven-year-olds who were experiencing their parents’ divorce. The article explained how divorce impacted the two children and how they developed over the years. Both case studies showed the drastic ways divorce can impact a child’s life regardless of whether both parents are supportive or not.  

Sammy, the first case study, became violent, full of rage, and hostile toward his mother, peers, and women in general. The article states that many male children blame their mothers when things go wrong. I have noticed this within my own son. I am currently going through a divorce. My son is six years old, and he has displayed a lot of anger and frustration towards me. Wanting his father and often has violent fits, hitting, spitting, and kicking when he is upset.  

The article says that this age period is challenging for children to navigate through because male children need their fathers to help shape their identity. Children look for adults to model behavior after. Girls typically mimic their mothers, and boys mimic their fathers, as they have more in common with them. I have also noticed this with my son. He wants his hair like his father’s and often expresses how strong his father is, saying he will be strong like his dad one day.  

According to the article, boys in the age groups of six, seven, and eight find it particularly difficult to adjust to changes in their lives during this developmental period. With all the changes in their bodies and becoming more of who they are, divorce does not help with the stability needed to go through these changes. It causes confusion, disruption, and an overall lack of feeling secure in life. 

Sammy also reverted to bed wetting, which shows signs of regressing. The amount of fear and uncertainty could make children feel as if they are smaller again. Or try to go back to a time when they felt more cared for. It took nearly a decade for Sammy to gain his footing in life and start doing better.  

However, that would not have been possible if both parents had not actively tried to help their son. It shows how important it is to have good role models and how both parents impact the development of their children, for good or bad. Divorce impacts children’s brains in different ways.  

For example, in the second case study with Carl, neither of his parents was as interactive with him as Sammy’s parents were with him after the divorce. Carl first started out as understanding, sad, and reflective. After five years, all that changed to resentment, false perceptions, and loneliness due to both parents not being fully there for Carl. His father talked to him more but would not help financially, and he always had girlfriends there. His mother expected too much emotionally from him.  

Carl was very lonely and wanted to connect with his parents. This shows how important our connection to our parents is. It shows how the connection either helps or destroys our own sense of identity, self-worth, and direction in life. Our parents are an essential part of our lives and development.  

Unfortunately, Carl did not end up in the best places in life at the ten-year mark of the case study as Sammy did. I believe that it had a lot to do with how involved the parents were.  Even though Sammy was angry and violent and went through many hardships, his parents were there guiding him, and they were there. Even when he lashed out at everyone around him, Carl, on the other hand, felt alone.  

The confusion, blame, guilt, and instability children face when their parents are going through a divorce cause a lifetime of difficulties. It is a lot for children to work through. However, as shown with Sammy, progress can be made with therapy, parents working together for the benefit of the children, and not exposing them to any more stress than they have already been exposed to. Such as asking children about the other parent’s house and who they are with.  

Divorce is hardest on children, especially when they don’t fully understand what is going on. They may blame themselves, feel guilty, lash out, and regress. Children need both parents to work together, even if they are not together, to come into themselves fully. With time, patience, and support from others, children can get through this tough time and live happy, full lives.  

Divorce can impact how children perceive themselves, others, and the world. It can cause fear and even cause them to have a lousy view of love and relationships, which can impact their future love lives. It is vital to our children that they learn how to develop healthy relationships and connections so they can develop fully into themselves.  

Have you ever gone through divorce with children? What was the biggest thing you noticed in their behavior after? What advice would you give parents who are going through similar?