7 Signs Someone is Taking Your Kindness for Granted

Takers will always take, so givers must put up boundaries

“Not everyone will appreciate what you do for them. You have to figure out who’s worth your kindness and who is just taking advantage.” -Unknown

Truly kind people seem so rare these days, and if you are a kind person, hats off to you. This world can easily break our spirits down. Life is hard, and sometimes it hardens our hearts so much that we become cold and bitter to the world around us.

Also, there seems to be an alarming number of self-entitled people who only think in terms of themselves and not of the others around them as well. These types of people go about life scoffing at kind-hearted people, using them, and often turning kind people into hardened versions of their once former selves. Guarded and jaded.

This is why I personally believe it’s important to develop discernment. Not everyone deserves your kindness; it is okay to walk away from people who are taking your kindness for weakness. The reality is that there will always be people who will only look out for themselves, even if it means sacrificing others in the process.

We need to be aware and ready for these types of people. Many kind-hearted people give and give until there is nothing left to give, while the takers take and leave once they can no longer benefit from the giver.

This post lists seven signs someone may be taking your kindness for granted and how you can set a boundary to get them to see where you are coming from. Though sometimes setting boundaries does not work and removing said people from one’s life might be the best option, at least until they realize their toxic behavior and work to improve themselves.

We have to set the tone in our lives of what we will and will not tolerate. If people cross our boundaries continuously, then they need to go. Toxic is toxic, and toxic people will overstep and take if you let them.

People who genuinely want to be in your life will accept the boundaries you put in place (as long as they are reasonable and not toxic, because it honestly can go both ways).

Here are seven signs someone may be taking your kindness for granted:

Only there when they need you, but when you need them, they make constant excuses and ghost you.

I’m not talking about friends who genuinely cannot help at the time you need help, those who usually do help when able. I’m talking about the people who you are there for without a shadow of a doubt, and when you ask for a small favor in return because you need someone, you either get ghosted or they make excuse after excuse constantly.

Don’t get me wrong, no one is obligated to help anyone; however, if you notice you are constantly bending over backward for someone and they are not really there for you when needed, then stepping back and placing boundaries might be needed.

When setting boundaries, watch how people react. If they react in anger, violence, badmouthing, and name-calling, then it may be time to cut that person out of your life or dramatically reduce the time spent with them.

Ways you can set boundaries for yourself:

Write out a list of things you do not tolerate within your friendships and why (For example, one of your boundaries could be that you don’t give people money loans because it feels as if it puts a strain on friendships. Make this known to friends and let them know that, unless it’s an emergency, you do not give out loans.)
Write down what you would do if someone were to cross your boundary for the first time. (For example, having a sit-down with your friend and expressing why you do not loan money, and asking them to please stop asking repeatedly because XYZ)
Write down what you would do if the boundary was repeatedly crossed or if any manipulation tactics were being used to get you to break your boundary. (Limiting time spent together, ending the friendship/relationship, etc..)

Setting the tone in relationships/friendships is a must, especially for those who give and help without a second thought. It’s not bad to help and be there for our loved ones, but if it affects our financial, mental, physical, or emotional well being then it is not a healthy friendship/relationship. Unfortunately, there will always be those who push limits and take, even to the detriment of others.

Backhanded compliments

Compliments are nice, they feel great to receive and give. However, if you notice you have to question a compliment you’ve received, someone may have given you a backhanded compliment.

A backhanded compliment is a compliment that sounds nice but has an underlying tone of disrespect. For example, “Oh, I love your hair color, I could never pull THAT off, but you somehow make it work for you.” Compliments like that can cause people to second-guess themselves. They don’t feel the greatest receiving.

Sometimes we all put our foot in our mouth, so to speak, and say things that could have been worded better or not said. However, if you notice someone in your life constantly making statements like this, it could be a sign of someone who is not truly a friend.

A good boundary to have in place in situations like these is speaking up and letting the person know how you took that statement and why, respectfully, of course. They may not realize how they are coming across.

If they are rude, put you down, say things like “you’re too sensitive, etc… you may want to consider spending less time with them. We have to let other people know how certain things impact us, they cannot read our minds. If they are a genuine friend, they will apologize and stop.

If you cannot get away from them (parents, siblings, roommates, etc..), learning how to ignore the undertone and saying thank you without overthinking does go a long way, at least until you can move to a better state in life.

Here are more examples of backhanded compliments:

That’s amazing, you aced your test, considering you have such a hard time understanding things.
Those shoes are cute on you, they make your legs look longer and your waist smaller.
Did you get your hair done? You look better today.
That dress is such a bold move. How do you find the confidence to wear something like that?
That looks good on you, but this outfit makes you look smaller. I think you should go with this option.

These may sound kind, but there is an underlying sense of judgment, undermining, and rudeness to the compliment. If you find yourself asking yourself, “wait.. What?” good chances are you received a backhanded compliment.

Using sarcasm as a way to embarrass you in front of others

Sometimes we can joke around and hurt someone unintentionally. It happens. This is completely normal. However, some people use sarcasm to embarrass you and make themselves look funny or cool.

Honestly, this is one of the things that took me forever to understand and decipher. Heck, sometimes I still get confused. I used to take people at face value and thought people said what they meant.

I did not know there was a whole sub-language dedicated to covering up rude intentions behind fake statements, sarcasm, and words. I did not understand why or how someone would say seemingly normal things but mean them in another way.

So, if you, like me, have a hard time with this concept, the best thing to do is learn about it. I found out through reading that this can be a tactic of manipulation. Learning about manipulation is a great starting point. Not everyone is who they say they are; it’s important to be mindful of these people.

I will say, I do not think sarcasm is all bad, and I do use sarcasm sometimes when the situation calls for it. I think it is a great comeback for silly or obvious things. A great icebreaker, too.

However, there is a difference when someone is being a jerk, using sarcasm as a way to look cool. It’s almost as if they are trying to be funny, but at the cost of hurting or embarrassing another person. Usually, it is done in front of a group of other friends.

Here are some examples of what this may sound like:

Oh, I didn’t know you were running for president. That sounds like a political problem (when speaking up on current events)
The results are in, and you have tested positive for being stupid. There is no cure. (After you gave them your opinion on something)
They say the grass is greener when you tend to your own garden; unfortunately, you don’t have a green thumb.
You could feed a third-world country with as much as you spend on make-up, and it doesn’t even do much for you. Feed a life and dump the beauty standards.
It must be great that you could afford a new car. If I didn’t have these student loans, I could have purchased a house by now. Lucky you.

As you can tell, these sound like funny little sayings or “jokes,” but if they were honestly said to you, it could cause you to become defensive. Which is normal. These are not funny little jokes; they are targeting and intended to be insulting. Great for a comedy club, but not so great when it’s constantly coming from a friend or friends.

A good boundary for things like this is speaking up and telling people how these comments sound. That you don’t take them as jokes. If they are rude, violent, dismissive, etc.. when you address the situation, it might be better to limit time with them.

You know yourself best. Jokes and playing around with close friends are wonderful. If there is something said that honestly bothers you, the best thing is to get it out in the open to work through. They could have meant it as something funny; if so, they would apologize and clarify. If not, then they could be defensive, and you figured out their true intentions.

Complaining when agreeing to help you out or go out, instead of saying no, I don’t want to do that from the beginning

This is another thing I find odd. I personally think if you don’t want to do something someone asked, just say no. Agreeing and then complaining the whole time is not ideal for anyone. It is very wishy-washy behavior.

Sometimes the things we need help with can be tedious and boring. For example, moving homes. There is packing, unpacking, driving, and keeping up with other odds and ends; it is a lot to take on, and many of us reach out to friends or family for help. When someone else agrees to help, it’s great.

It gets awkward and frustrating when someone agrees and then is upset that they are helping. Complaining, being short with words, and acting like they have better places to be, after agreeing, is very draining and confusing.

If you find yourself around someone who isn’t upfront about what they do and don’t want to do, and then gets angry at you for the choice they decided to make, you may need to bring it up to them. Everyone makes their own decisions, and blaming others for their feelings of obligation can become toxic.

How they respond to your concerns will tell you all you need to know. If they are defensive, rude, violent, condescending, guilt-tripping, etc, you may want to consider not asking them for help in the future and spending less time around them.

A good boundary to have with people who are like this is not asking them for anything unless absolutely needed. Sometimes we cannot just cut people out of our lives, but we can limit time with them and what we ourselves ask of them. Changing our reactions toward toxic behaviors can go a long way.

Mocking your acts of kindness

As kind people, we tend to try to spread kindness everywhere. At least I know I do, as well as many of my kindhearted friends. Sometimes we can go overboard and step into what I call uncomfortable kindness, where the intentions were pure but pushy or preachy. This can be helpful when called out.

However, mocking someone for kind acts is not helpful. It is rude and ignorant. This world has enough baggage; those who choose to rise above it and choose to be kind regardless, should not be mocked.

If you find yourself around someone who puts down your acts of kindness, that is not a friend. At all. Honestly, staying around people like this can quickly cause your world to become full of negativity under the guise of people claiming kindness is a weakness.

Kindness is not a weakness; does it cause us to stumble and run into people with awful intentions from time to time? Yes. However, it takes a strong person not to give in to the never-ending supply of toxic, rude behaviors.

Being kind is not being happy-go-lucky all the time, and the majority of us know the consequences that can come with wearing our hearts on our sleeves. But we do it anyway. If you have been hurt repeatedly and still find the compassion to be kind, thank you.

Here are some examples of someone who may be mocking acts of kindness:

Exaggerated imitation
Rolling their eyes
Making faces as you tell them about a good deed or ask if they want to join a cause
Passive-aggressive statements like “ohhhhh woooowww, you helped soooo much, that was so nice of you.”
Competing to one-up you
Dismissing you and bringing up something they did better

The best thing to do is run far, far away from these types of people. However, that is not always an option. A great boundary for people like this is to limit the time spent with them and keep conversations short and not let them into your personal life.

Declines your request to hang out with a lie, but later that day, you bump into them with their friends

I understand sometimes our friends want to “protect” us and not tell us they had other plans without us, so they come up with a white lie on the spot. We are all human and make mistakes. However, if this is done constantly, then good chances are they only want to hang out with you when they are bored and do not really consider you as an actual friend, but rather an acquaintance.

Many of us have separate friend groups, which is normal. Sometimes all our friends don’t get along, again normal. We don’t have to be invited everywhere a certain friend is invited. However, constantly lying or ghosting someone is highly insensitive.

Personally, when someone lies to me about small things such as having other plans, I feel as if they do not trust me with my own emotional responses. Granted, others’ reactions are how they perceive the world around them, but it does feel upsetting to not get the straightforward truth from those I consider friends. Though I also understand I cannot be expectant of others.

A good boundary to have when it comes to situations like these is voicing how you feel and asking your friend to be more upfront. If they continue to do this after, then not asking to hang out anymore might be the next best step. If you want to continue to build a friendship, wait until they ask you; if not, then going your separate ways might be beneficial.

Allowing people to continually lie to you about trivial matters can cause:

Distrust in others that is not related to the situation
Questioning your sense of self
Depression
Anxiety
Irritability

Not giving borrowed items back and throwing a fit when asked for your items back

I’m not talking about siblings not giving borrowed items back; that’s normal. Especially with sisters, ha-ha. I’m talking about people who assume your things are theirs after you let them borrow whatever they asked for.

Not giving back your items when you ask is a tell-tell sign of a person who only respects you as long as you give them what they want for however long they want. Honestly, that is not a friend at all.

Sometimes people forget they borrowed something, and that’s also normal. What’s not normal or okay is when asking for your things and they refuse, deny, gaslight, become rude, or dismissive. People who forget they borrowed something will usually apologize and give back the item, not become rude.

A good boundary to have with people like this is not to let them borrow anything else. Or you could let them know when you would like your item back if they do borrow something of yours. Set time limits and stick to them. If they continue to become rude even with the boundaries, then you may need to either stop letting them borrow things altogether or cut them from your life.

Being used is not okay at all. It can cause depression, confusion, anger, clouded thoughts, etc Sometimes, the best thing we can do for ourselves is to prune the toxic people out of our garden of life, which is not easy, and it does hurt.