You may have heard of the term, selective hearing. If you havenโt, selective hearing is where you hear what you only want to hear.
For example, when a teenagerโs mom tells them to clean their room before playing on the game system. The teen ignores every word except โplay on the game systemโ and instantly goes to play video games, claiming they didnโt hear their mom say they had to clean their room first.
This post isnโt about selective hearing, itโs about selective mutism, which is commonly misunderstood due to the similar wording of selective hearing.
I am someone who struggles with selective mutism daily. Itโs embarrassing, frustrating, and draining. So, what is selective mutism?
According to selectivemutism.org, selective mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a childโs inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school. These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure, and relaxed.
These children grow into adults who struggle with verbal communication. A skill that is vital in todayโs world to prosper in society.
My Own Experience
I have had a few encounters with people who have actively read my writings through my personal blog, and who are baffled when we hold a verbal conversation. I do not speak as I write, though I wish I could.
My anxiety becomes louder than the words I wish to speak. Often the words get lost somewhere along the way from my mind to my lips, causing me to sit in silence as I listen to others speak. Later, I dwell on how I must have made them feel to offer such little words to our conversation.
My thought patterns after a one-on-one conversation often go: did I upset them with no additional thoughts? Do they think Iโm less educated? Are they ever going to want to be around me again? Do they think I am a fraud because Iโm able to write? Or maybe they think Iโm stuck up, not willing to talk.โ The thoughts pile on and on.
This is also one of the reasons I apologize often after talking. You see, I WANT to be able to add value to spoken conversations. I would love to let my anxiety sleep so I could speak with as many words as I write.
However, for now, that is not my reality. For now, I must face the fact that it is okay to not speak the words in my heart when I want to. They will be heard when they are ready and when my mind calms from the storms of my past.
Thinking back, Iโve always had trouble with spoken communication, but it wasnโt until I went through psychosis that it really started to impact me. Iโm not able to form the words in my mind fast enough when talking due to my working memory. My anxiety also causes me to freeze in mid-sentence, or forget words altogether.
Additionally, I have a very child-like voice which makes talking on the phone a nightmare. Have you ever tried ordering something by phone only to have the person on the other side ask where your parents are? Sir, I am a grown woman with a child, I donโt need to ask my mom to order food for me, is what I desperately wanted to say, but hung up instead. Unfortunately, this has happened more than once, even calling family.
I am unsure if having a child-like voice stems from not talking much as I was growing up, but man is it a pain. I wonder if it is linked with selective mutism? Hmm.
Coping and Understanding
Selective Mutism is hard to live with. If you suspect you may be dealing with this too, I wanted to share some of the ways that help me cope. They may or may not help you, but I hope they do.
Understanding itโs okay to not talk
Growing up the rules were clear: you must speak when spoken to. No ifs and or buts about it. If I didnโt answer mom when she asked a question I would get the belt, even if I didnโt know how to formulate the response, and the phrase I donโt know was not an answer.
As you can imagine, this altered my views on having to talk. Iโm sure many children grew up with similar rules. So for many, dissolving old belief systems and coming from a place of understanding is one of the most crucial things you can do when dealing with things like this.
Back up communication options
As stated though out this post, when dealing with selective mutism, vocal communication is a challenge. Learning different ways to communicate is highly beneficial. I use writing and texting as my go-to when I cannot formulate the words.
There are other ways such as drawing, sign language, poetry, and more. You just have to find out what is best for you.
Just because we have trouble speaking, does not mean we donโt have a lot to say. We just have to figure out the best way to say it.
Making other people aware
Letting other people know of my selective mutism was a big step and an even bigger blessing in my life. For a while I tried to pretend I had everything under control, forcing myself to take classes and reading article after article on how to communicate properly.
While this method did help, it also took a toll on my mental health. I decided to accept this part of me and work with it, rather than against it. So the first step was letting people know.
I found out most people have no problem at all with letting me write out a response to previous conversations. It takes a little more time and effort, but it has helped in many ways.
Be kind to yourself
Itโs easy to get frustrated when you freeze up. Which can lead to thinking awful things about yourself.
For years I would call myself stupid for not being able to say what I wanted. I would spend hours crying in frustration not understanding why I could easily write and not speak. I felt like a failure.
Getting into the habit of telling yourself itโs okay, itโs just not my strong suit I am working on it and I accept myself the way I am, which can help redirect the mind. Selective mutism is a struggle to deal with on its own, thinking about yourself in a demeaning way can cause depression and more anxiety.
If you are someone who struggles to vocally communicate I want to let you know you are not alone. Itโs okay to be different and do things differently. Everyone has something they are working on.
I’m deaf, highly introverted and extremely shy. I was raised in a severely dysfunctional family where emotions had to be repressed and I spent years in a state of hypervigilance due to my abusive dad. I felt as though I couldn’t talk to anyone about anything for years. I’m not sure if it was selective mutism in my case, but I certainly can identify with so much of what you’ve written here. Even now, at my age (old), I have difficulty speaking unless it’s with a counselor (then I can ramble on forever) or through writing. The deafness is really difficult for me to cope with, and since it’s late-onset adult deafness, I can speak normally but I can’t understand speech at all, so everything must be typed out for me to read. I beat myself up all the time, just as you shared in your post. I feel like a failure, like I can’t contribute in a normal manner, so I’ve become reclusive (I’ll be changing my name to Boo Radley soon…a joke, sort of). My way of not feeling suffocated by all this is to write poetry on my blog to help me sort things out. I feel so many of the emotions you mentioned on a daily basis, and people just don’t seem to understand or care. I guess what I’m saying is that you’re not alone, there are others who struggle with communication skills and who have massive self-doubts. My great fear is that people with think I’m stupid because I can’t hear well and therefore can’t communicate well. It’s a constant source of anxiety. Anyway, I’m rambling here. ๐ I enjoyed this post immensely, learned a lot about this topic, and want you to know you’re not alone. It’s okay to be who we are; it’s okay to be kind to ourselves and accept ourselves. We’re different, but that’s not a bad thing. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I know it takes courage to do it, and I admire you for doing so. ๐
Thank you so much for sharing your story as well, it really does help with not feeling so alone. I understand all too well about growing up in a dysfunctional family, our childhoods shape a lot of who we are. When we are in a constant state of survival, fear, and the unknown it can really affect our adulthood later on in life. I’m so sorry you have to go through all this, it must be really hard to not be able to hear others when they talk. I can’t imagine what that must feel like. Really glad for those who came up with writing, because even though it’s harder for people like us to speak we still have a lot to say and writing is a great alternative. So many people who have trouble communicating do have a lot of impactful things to express from the lessons we’ve learned through hardships, things that can help lift each other up out of the darker emotions we all feel. It’s beautiful that you found an outlet through poetry and I can’t wait to read more of your posts on your blog. Hey, I’m a rambler too when it comes to writing, all your rambling thoughts are more than welcomed here. If someone ever says they think your are less educated or stupid because you can’t communicate like they can just point them in the direction of your blog and they will see how wrong they are. That’s my new plan if someone says something about me freezing up in the middle of a conversation or not speaking. People who have a difficult time communicating are not stupid at all, we just have to do things a bit different than others and as you said, it’s okay to be who we are. ๐
Please forgive me if what I am about to say is wrong but my instant reaction was “you don’t fully appreciate how your seeming disability is a blessing in disguise. The act of not speaking and just listening is just what a large number of people badly need.ย Two of the recent books I read “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” Habit 5: Seek first to Understand, Then to be Understood & How to Win Friendsย and Influence People really highlight that this is the key to success, letting others fully express themselves without interruption. Many women that had one bit of oddness that they loathed in themselves that made them stand out above the rest, to become highly successful top models.
I also see this same symptom in so many talented artists and geniuses they rarely speak and appear antisocial but if you peer into the art or really listen to their music you can actually hear them pouring out their heart to you.ย So yes indeed instead of fighting it embrace it.
Thank you for sharing your story with us
That was beautifully said. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to share such powerful thoughts. Sometimes it’s hard to see the blessings when focused on the smaller picture, but they are there when taking a step back and looking at a larger picture. Honestly, it’s not the cards people are dealt with in life, it’s how they play their hand that makes all the difference. Disabilities, hardships, unfortunate events…. we all have them or go through them to one degree or another. Embracing our perceived flaws just may be one of the keys to healing. Many artists and geniuses use their pain, struggles, and hardships to bring such amazing art and inventions into this world. I’m going to do my best to keep embracing instead of fighting it, thank you once more for your encouraging words.
No C.J. you encouraged yourself. You just needed us to confirm and verify what you already knew. This answer is the perfect conclusion to your
blog ๐
Thank you, C. J. for your very wise words. Yes, it’s OK not to talk. In fact, this reminds me of the 56th chapter of the Tao te Ching: “Those who know don’t talk. Those who talk don’t know.”
Thank you so much ๐
Thank you for sharing. This was very enlightening. I’m sorry you went through a lot with this but glad you’re coping better.
Thank you so much ๐
Thank you for sharing this <3
I also struggle with speaking up and this made me feel that I am not alone. I'm so glad that you have used your obvious talent for writing to help others.
I am learning to understand that it's okay to not be the loudest person in the room.
As Epictetus once said, we have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.
Thank you so much. ๐ Epictetus was def a wise soul in his day. Maybe we need more people to be able to sit and listen. Maybe we are where we need to be in life. Our perceived flaw just may be our greatest strength in this life. Wiseguy2016 helped me see that so many people need people who are like us, who sit quietly and listen. Society has an odd expectation of having an answer and solution ready for any given moment, but maybe we need the opposite. I look forward to reading your blog and rooting for you along the way. Step by step we and many others will overcome the challenges we face daily. Wishing you all the best in your journey.